4.7 seconds
Rani’s cold touch frightens me. ‘Mama, I feel like I am dying.’ The voice was feeble and reminded me of the ending echoes of a voice which had proudly matched itself against a gigantic mountain; reverberating again and again till it ran out. The memory is so vivid. Rani, lying in the hospital bed clutching my hand fervently…she looked so fragile in her yellow frock and green top which covered her hands only partly, exposing them; they looked so thin and vulnerable just like that of a new born baby…and her broken slippers…would she ever be able to walk in them again…to dance in them again…just as she had danced the whole night on New Year’s Eve when she was barely five years old…when the vicissitudes of life had not been able to touch her…when her vocabulary did not include pain or sorrow…when she could never imagine that one day she would be battling for her life after a tragic accident; one that might have taken her life away…but the doctors had been hopeful; they had never seen someone with such a strong will to live…she had survived. She had a will to live while I had lost mine.
The wind is unrelenting. It knows…and it knows that I know it knows…It mocks me like a hyena who mocks its prey just before the last breath…I run out of tears…I want to tell the wind that I am not a bad person; just that I could not help doing what I did…that I had no choice…that it was an error of judgment…
“I am innocent, please believe me,” the plea was so earnest…it had haunted me for so many years after I had ordered that death sentence…but the evidence was compelling and I had come to know of his innocence only later…but I could not have helped it then. I have been a judge for twenty years. Was I not allowed one mistake…though in my heart I know how costly that mistake was to the victim…?
Suddenly, I don’t feel cold anymore...Is the wind taking pity on me at last…or is it waiting hungrily just like a crocodile who knows the inevitable…I can feel my blood trying to burst out from my face…seeking release from so many years of slavery…it seems like there is no respite…like it is finally all over…as if time has stopped and now stood standstill…
Just like time had stopped then in the park on the bench when my husband had caressed my face…that one moment had sanctified my entire thirty years of marriage…Oh! It was heavenly…like all the love in the world now belonged to me…I had never been this happy…never felt so wanted…so complete…and so much in love…It was as if time had no passage…as if eternity had kissed my doorstep and all earthly boundaries had been transcended…as if life had held the greatest meaning of all time…
And now it doesn’t matter… I suddenly feel my blood swirling in my brain like a whirlpool, my cheeks flapping in protest, adrenaline searing through me, my heart pumping furiously…The wind now ceases to affect me; and like a child who has outgrown the ogre I feel relaxed…peaceful…and strangely safe…from being trapped in a world which though to me offers no reason to die yet offers no reason to live either…I have lost the will to live…but is that reason enough to die…to give up the way I did…would Rani hate me for leaving her like this…
The green mountain speeds towards her like a lover who has waited for eternity now seeking to embrace his beloved. The waiting and the anticipation has been so sweet…and so certain with the knowledge that she would come one day…The blue meadow caresses her naked feet and acts as a trampoline as she sprints to catch the red deer. She can feel the soft and soothing touch of the grass beneath her feet. Talking to the wind, she falls, gets up and falls again. The deer never seem to get closer. The orange clouds sprinkle her with yellow rain garlanding her like a to-be bride. She has never looked so beautiful before. As she gets up and yet again runs after the deer the grass beneath her lifts her like a flying carpet and whisks her towards the waiting arms of the mountain – she is their chosen one…the wind caresses her cheek like a father loving his only child…Oh it’s such a beautiful world!
I instantly regain consciousness… the wind seems to be whistling loudly…ogres are never really outgrown…the wind is now no more a predator, rather it is an escort; saluting its lady like a setting sun signifying the end of an era…the end of desire, the death of will and the release of conditioned thinking…I try and peer down but my stare is blank; the rays of the sun hit my eyes at an angle preventing vision, creating a panacea for the sudden panic that is growing in me…it will be so painful…I will be hurt so badly…I curl and wrap myself like a fetus…maybe then it will pain less…my body twists in all directions…I feel disoriented…I wonder why I still cannot see the ground…I see my saliva leave my mouth and rush upwards…It flies past my nose nudging it slowly…I flap my hands like a bird…maybe I can fly…I push my dress down as it is sharply raised by the wind and then I realize it doesn’t matter…no one can see me now. I am sweating profusely…very afraid…
As I look down fearfully, I see the distant ground rushing up menacingly…is that a dark gravel road...the parked cars on the side make me hope fervently that I would miss hitting them. I shake my legs vigorously and try to steer away from the cars…but will it really matter…road, car or kerb…I am sure it would hurt…but it will be over in the next few micro seconds…
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***
“Rani I still can’t understand what your mother meant when she said she had lost her will to live. She had everything – money, a loving family, a successful career, you, yet; maybe she hid something; maybe I was the reason.”
Rani peered down from the window as she looked at the road below. Today, it looked so empty, so unlike yesterday when a huge crowd had gathered within moments.
She wiped away a trickle of tear as she continued gazing down…
“You know that you could never have been the reason. She loved you more than anything. But when she lost her will to live…you know Dad, Mom was remarkable. She planned it so methodically over the last seven months. She had even researched that it would take her four point seven seconds to reach the ground. Thirty floors, four point seven seconds; how can somebody plan death so meticulously…?
“You know Rani what saddens me the most is the fact that you agreed with your mother’s decision. If you had not agreed with her, maybe…”
“No, Dad! I never agreed with her; but yes, unlike you I accepted it…”
By:
Vikas & Me
Illustrated By:
Harsh & Santosh
3 comments:
Very dramatic and attention seeking. Emotionally and mentally poundering....
Outstanding Metaphor's...Great Illustrations...Your story generates excitement and makes the reader question the unusual reason behind 'her' leap!!!Keep it up Bhaiya...
Intriguing.
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